i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize