we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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