Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
