Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
