He asked to "fluff my boner.."
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
