Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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