Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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