What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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