Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
