Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
