nut hugger
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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