Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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