Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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