You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
