am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
