Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just invented taco cereal.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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