also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
