i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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