last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
