fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
