Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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