I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
