i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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