If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
