you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's rum buckets o'clock
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
