as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
