I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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