we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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