Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
