when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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