Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
