If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
