I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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