Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
