Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
