what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
