Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
