I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
