I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
