Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
