I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
