We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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