Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
