I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
