Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
