apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
