pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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