Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
