your parents love me but you hate me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
