me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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