There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
