I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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