even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
