The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
