I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
