I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
