apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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