This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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