I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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