you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
